Do you ever feel like you are watching your life from afar?
Like you cannot control the things going around you?
You were supposed to have it all – the house, the marriage and family life, the great job- but you feel like something is missing?
You ask yourself:
“Where do I fit into my own life?”
“How the hell did I get here?”
I know how it feels to be in the shadows of your very own life – I was there.
There were points when I laid down on the floor, completely naked, crying my eyes out after my plans for marriage, family and career fell through.
I felt a pain deep inside my gut existing ever since I could remember.
I was completely out of faith.
Like the Natalie Imbruglia song, I felt Torn.
On the outside, everything looked great, I seemed well put together.
In reality, my insides were stirring like crazy.
I was an anxiety-ridden working professional with a drinking problem and a thirst for something more….and I believed everything outside of me would be the answer.
I worked as administrative assistant full time and took college classes at night to earn my journalism degree at a state university. My journalism reporting on the Anaheim riots led me to appear on two cable news networks before I even graduated.
After graduating, I settled into a nice cushy marketing career.
My calendar outside of work was filled with swanky happy hour mixers, fundraising dinners, volunteering, 5K runs for charity, grand openings for fine dining restaurants…and of course, travel.
Since my marketing career was in full swing, I thought I was ready to settle down and start a nice family to heal my past life and create a new one.
As I mentioned, that didn’t work out as planned.
After a painful breakup, I was on a mission to heal myself and finally enjoy the success I felt I worked so hard to earn.
I went hiking every weekend for almost three years straight thinking pushing my body to its limits would be a way to healing… that didn’t work.
I went on wine trips with friends and international getaways on my own to “find myself” …that didn’t work.
This is what I thought successful people did to enjoy themselves but for me, it was just not in the cards for my survival as long as I was a heavy drinker.
At the end of 2017, I felt like my world was going in a downward spiral quickly.
After socializing with alcohol, I would “continue the buzz” at home by drinking more.
It came to the point where other people were getting in the way of my drinking. I started to drink more by myself which only increased my tolerance – it stopped being fun, I was making myself sick.
On January 3, 2018 I made a decision to end the cycle and stop drinking.
I was done feeling like a second-class citizen in my own life.
Too many hangovers, too many regrets, too many times that I was wasting my potential and giving into a bad habit that was not serving my highest good.
I was not meant to be like this, I just knew it. I was meant for something more.
I was meant to be a cycle breaker.
My father, a U.S. Army Vietnam War veteran, died by suicide when I was 18.
His father, a WWII and Korean War U.S. Air Force veteran died the same way before I was born.
My grandmother on my mothers’ side, originally from Chile, died of liver cirrhosis before I was born, as well.
My half sister from my father’s first marriage died in 2015 after a lifelong drug addiction. We connected for the first time ever just a few years before, but we never had the chance to meet.
I found myself meeting the same fate of my lineage if I did not change my ways.
It was not easy at first to stop drinking, I had to completely change my life in every single area.
I made significant changes to how I was spending my time and found myself spending even more time alone – but I was still going, going, going.
Then I was forced to slow down….way the hell down.
Three months into my sobriety, on the way to what would have been my third summit to Cucamonga Peak – I slipped on a rock and experienced a fracture to my right ankle.
Within moments…there I was:. Suspended in the air, hanging from a cord being lifted up to a helicopter.
I thought to myself: “Well, shit.”
After spending years writing headlines, I became one.
Did I mention this was a first date?
Yes, I broke my leg on a first date.
(For everyone wondering, yes we did hike again after I healed up… after getting hurt, I was more focused on my painful injury than my dating game.)
The injury was a trimalleolar fracture where three specific areas of the ankle known as the malleoli break at the same time. It is one of the most severe breaks you can experience in this area.
I received surgery, spent 10 weeks off work unable to drive anywhere and could not walk without assistance from a knee scooter.
There were emotional highs and lows as I spent so much time in bed, just hurting.
I was on pain medication, feeling sick physically and emotionally. I never asked anyone for help, other than my mother who appeared to feel overburdened with the task at times.
During the low points, I wallowed in my pain just waiting for all of it to go away.
I felt so low that I ended up calling a suicide hotline for the first time in my life.
I felt invisible, like no one could see how much pain I was in. I felt like I didn’t want to be a burden to my friends, so I reached out to a stranger to just let it all out. It felt like a catharsis – I was begging just to be seen.
There were some high points too, my mom graciously drove me to the local beach boardwalks weekly so I could feel like a member of society.
I would dress up the same way I would for hikes and ride down the pedestrian paths on my knee scooter.
Smiling through the pain: this is one of the moments I felt most alive.
I went back to my job only to find disgruntled coworkers who were not happy with covering for me, as well as a superior who let me know that I was on thin ice even before the accident happened.
Within a few months, I moved into my dream guesthouse. I had a backyard with lush green grass for the first time since I was a child.
I won a scholarship to go to She Recovers Los Angeles, an event where over 600 women in recovery gathered to for workshops, watch amazing speakers and shared our stories
I met fellow cycle breakers and felt so empowered by other women who had made it through.
It felt like things were looking up for a little bit at my job – I felt I was more productive, but I still had the feeling I was not very welcome there.
By the end of 2018, the company had been sold.
After being laid off least a half dozen times during recession periods, I knew what was likely coming and who would be first on the chopping block.
In February 2019, I found myself getting laid off once again.
I knew this would have to be my chance to show my gifts to the world and go all in with starting my own business.
I dove into a feminine embodiment teacher training program called Amba Movement and felt more connected to my body in ways I hadn’t felt before.
I found great joy in a mentoring program where I help veterans with major break throughs in their lives – it felt like I was living my true purpose.
However, in group settings – I still felt small, inadequate, like I really did not belong.
I was having trouble with visibility, being vulnerable with others and owning my freedom to express myself.
What I needed was to access my inner power and allow myself to be seen.
This is not something I even knew I had inside of me until I started to look at my life as investing in myself and investing in my dream.
I needed to take my ability to make powerful decisions in the moment to say YES to my transformation – just as I did when I stopped drinking – and apply it to my life purpose.
I rediscovered this power right in my own backyard – in the garden of my own mind.
As I kept saying yes to myself, I kept saying NO to what did not serve me or the highest good.
This led me to inviting a kinder and gentler relationship with myself as I began clearing inherited thought patterns, deprogramming messages that I wasn’t good enough and creating pathways to heal deeply rooted shame.
Now I feel a closer relationship with myself – where I used to hold myself back, there is infinite possibility.
Where I used to allow negative influences to get in my way, I stand in my own power.
Where I used to feel shameful about asking for help, I feel more supported now than ever.
I turned my pain into purpose – where there was dark is now a bright, beaming light.
I fully enjoy my success as it is happening instead of burning out right before the finish line.
Through my mentoring, I found high performing cycle breakers like myself can possess multiple blocks when it comes to enjoying success.
Cycle breakers employ survival tactics such as disempowering thought patterns, people pleasing, shutting down, avoidance, hiding or minimizing pain and discomfort and overcompensating, to name only some.
We know how to work hard as society tells us – we are very ambitious, driven and hard wired for success, we are resilient.
We also fall more susceptible to a destructive mindset running us into the ground to the point where we do not allow ourselves to enjoy success…and risk sabotaging our full potential in the process.
We also have a huge issue with being seen for who we are, which is the major block in accessing those other areas to guide yourself into a true transformation.
This transformation allows you enjoy your journey and the gifts of the universe.
As an antidote to these thought patterns, I allowed myself to be SEEN in both online and in the real world in all my glory and imperfections then continued to say YES to my transformation.
I went from a woman hiding in the shadows to being seen for who I really am for the very first time in my life.
My vision is for all those who identify as women to break cycles of ancestral trauma by healing themselves and the world we live in.
I want to ensure no woman has to hit rock bottom ever again to discover her true potential.
I did not go through all of this muck just to go back to the 9 to 5 life I was living.
I keep transforming and I help others do the same.
There is no reason why we should feel small in our own lives.
There is no reason why we cannot bloom into the person we were meant to be in this lifetime.
We can achieve great success and allow space for our inner selves to thrive.
The gatekeepers to success will have you believe hard work is key when it is the flow that allows us to succeed and enjoy it.
This is how cycle breakers turned Master Manifesters can be successful and enjoy it.
Join me on my journey as we co-create for your transformation.
Master Manifester Program: Guiding successful cycle breakers to their next level of impact
